Sunday, September 23, 2007

Weight Loss Journey

Four months have gone by and yet I feel like time has been set back 20 years...I attribute this to my loss of 32 pounds...it seems a bit shallow and narcissistic to worry about losing weight at my age, and I tell myself that it was for my health, but damn it, I know that the real reason was because I still wanted to look good...

There is nothing that ages you more, physically and emotionally, then getting fat...of course, I did not know this when I was fat, because it was easier to make excuses for not paying attention...for a while, I got really comfortable being invisible...I find it quite ironic that the bigger I got, the less visible I was...I become almost a non-person...no one cared what I wore, if my hair was washed, or even if I talked under my breath...there was something comforting in "disappearing"...I somehow rationalized that by not spending time exercising or planning meals, I would have more time to do other things...yet I didn't feel like doing anything because I had no energy and I know I was really depressed...I was a blob and I became blob-like in many many ways.

What happened to make me want to change? Nothing really...unless you count my husband of 30 years telling me that he was no longer attracted to me...after I accused him of being a jerk, and telling him that he had no idea what love was if he could not accept me like I was, I spent many days and nights convincing myself that I was better off without him and that I did not want to stay with him if my appearance meant that much to him...yeah, I wanted a divorce...a divorce from him, and the only life I knew...I was miserable and I thought it was him...

Huh! My brain must have been clogged with fat...I calmed down and we got into the nitty gritty of our relationship...he explained to me that it was not my appearance per se, but that I was a different person...I had no spark, no interest in so many things, I hated how I let myself go...his argument was not the weight but my attitude towards my body and hence, everything else in my life...it was like someone had told me I was a drug addict and I was denying it left and right...

I was tired of analyzing and figuring out "why's"...you know the old Nike saying "Just Do IT!" That became my mantra. Who cares why I got fat, I just wanted to lose weight...no more excuses, no more denial, no more beating myself up by saying that I was not a good person for wanting to be thin...

I was driving back from the fabric store on night and, no kidding, I passed by the fitness center near my home...actually, it looked more like a lighthouse beacon, with the light pouring out from the two story tower of the reception area...it was a sign, right? I went home and called and had an appointment with a personal trainer the next day...

1 Comments:

At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

EEEENERDOTE....I almost cried when I read this. I had no idea this pained you so much, but I am inspired by your words to take action for my own life,and so should everyone else be inspired. I love you!

 

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